B?T?S

I've known all this and more for a long time now, and I finally got a chance to write about on a forum. And as it took so long to write it seems worth posting here as well.

I never been sure weather I count as asexual, and reading the Wikipedia entry didn't help. I still occasionally have orgasms which are brought on by sight or feeling, but most of them, and the strongest ones, happen while I'm asleep and for seemingly no reason at all. But the main difference between me and other people is that I hate hate HATE having orgasms. They feel messy and smelly and uncomfortable and just wrong, and it disgusts me that some people can take pleasure in that. And that's not even mentioning sex. Sure, it looks it all pretty and natural in those paintings and poems, but when ones really thinks about it, it's 2 people - together… Just EEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

But then again, I also don't understand why some people enjoy being intoxicated. Still being alive, but losing control of oneself, is one of the worst experiences I can imagine - it just sounds like a nightmare. I can make enough stupid mistakes by myself, thank you.

And although it's slightly hypocritical of me to do so, it might save some confusion to mention that I consider sensuality to be a completely separate thing from sexuality. One is the in-built desire to reproduce, and the other is the desire to share microbes, and I have been very aesthetically and/or sensually attracted to some people. I could also explain pedophillia as being a confused form of our desire to have babies (which is why we like things which look 'cute') and a desire to share useful microbes with those who are younger and less likely to have already acquired them. That's strange, isn't it? We think sex is something horrible and adult that children should be shielded from, and yet we surround them with cute and chibi things - and the reason we like these is the same as our reason of having sex, it's an all-consuming in-built desire to reproduce. And why is that humans have this desire, anyway? Well, if we didn't, then there wouldn't be so many of us, and you or I probably wouldn't have been born.

Obviously, unless you're doing it in some weird lab experiment, it is impossible to experience sexuality without some amount of sensuality, but the vise versa of this is slightly more possible, especially among pre-adolescents. In our culture, sensuality has become just another euphonisum for sex (even I myself am guilty of using 'sexy' to describe something I feel sensually or aesthetically attracted to). This is a great shame, are so many misunderstandings, both of other people and of ourselves, that we not have suffer from if everyone was able to make the distinction between these two things.

Current music: NISHIO Etsuko - Jajauma ni Sasenaide (1st Ranma ½ OP)

Oh, and there's no Phantasy Star for Mac. They've all switched to another image which has just 'PC DVD' in the corner. But there is a yaoi-bondage visual novel.